God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to

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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat


Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.


I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him


Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded


So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.


Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say


So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?


if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔


My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”