@theshamingofjay

God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to

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@abbycohenwl

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

@_salt_n_lime

Instead of “Here Comes the Bride,” they should play the Jaws theme song at weddings.

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@EndhooS

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@TheFearBoners

So PSY’s song “Dear American” includes the lyric “Kill them all slowly and painfully” and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.

@CrockettForReal

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@fro_vo

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”