Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
You Might Also Like
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight