I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
You Might Also Like
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.