the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
#parenting
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once