God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

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[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?


Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band


Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple


I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.


“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.


ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family