Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You Might Also Like
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?