God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”


I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.


When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.


[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry



ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family


Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.


“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing


Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.


Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?