This guy just won Christmas without breaking a sweat.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Him: my gf left me
Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea
Him: yeah but-
Me: also a squirrel
Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.