Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Pee pressure > peer pressure
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.