Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
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Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Welcome to the stomach
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.