god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
can’t bark with your mouth full
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?