GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..