Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
GOD: to absolve man of sin
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?
I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Poetry is hard enough but damn haiku got me over here counting syllables and shit.
How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*