@BlindChow

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

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@CaucasianJames

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

@WheelTod

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

@david8hughes

Everyone’s judging my ‘Only God Can Judge Me’ tattoo. This is not how this was meant to go down.

@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

@dafloydsta

When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.

@WhosYourVader

75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did

@david8hughes

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

@Furry_Beaver

I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.

@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty