GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.


Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…


I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.


4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”


Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.


Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.


Poetry is hard enough but damn haiku got me over here counting syllables and shit.


*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*