if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise