@ibid78

[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh

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@summermaplewood

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

@itsa_talia

i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing

@tracietom

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

@samalmightysam

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

@ShittyComedian

No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Excited for the dance?

13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.

Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!

13yo: I need new parents.

@scorpicpanda

Contrary to popular belief, people will still try to talk to you if you are wearing reindeer antlers.

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that