Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
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i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
Me: Excited for the dance?
13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.
Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!
13yo: I need new parents.
Contrary to popular belief, people will still try to talk to you if you are wearing reindeer antlers.
Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that