Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow