@stuckinaportal

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

@Home_Halfway

*enters password*
itaLLLy
[Your password must contain numbers and letters]
ROMAN CITIZEN: IT DOES, WTF

@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@Sickayduh

Her: Ok, on 3 lets,say what movie our marriage is most like. 1.. 2.. 3
*simultaneously*
Her: THE NOTEBOOK
Me: SHAWSHANK REDEMPTIONOTEBOOK

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

@Alex_N_Chains

I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.

@david8hughes

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@roxaroodw

He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.