Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
remember
only for emergencies
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Hello Twits.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!