God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“I’m helping” 😅
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.