*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.
Joe, I’m a little busy.
I love you.
Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?
BIRCH I MIGHT BE
Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.