God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.