@IvoryGazelle

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

@knot_eye

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

@

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@mostly_cheese

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.