Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.
“I sure hope that was a cracker”
-Me eating in the dark.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY