God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face


I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches


Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.


The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.


My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.


Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.


[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY