@IvoryGazelle

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

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@krisv_723

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

@adamgreattweet

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

@UnFitz

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

@corinnemlwsw

The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@kellysdf

All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.

@leechee420

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY