GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
You Might Also Like
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
👾👾👾
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
True statement👍😏😁
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.