GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

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alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower


People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.


Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?


i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.


KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious


Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill


Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.


I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.


10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!