They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.