If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.
God: Women will bleed for a week.
Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.
I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward