God: Women will bleed for a week.

Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.

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If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.


I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”


He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.


My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.


When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.


You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.


I think parents are incredibly selfish and rude for having additional children without first consulting their existing child. 😒


BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward