“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
God: Women will bleed for a week.
Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time?
God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they’ll talk. A lot.
You Might Also Like
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.