@RCKruseKontrol

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

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@perhapssomeday

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

@tastefactory

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@slimmy_shady

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

@girlwithatail

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

@wolfpupy

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism