GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.