@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

You Might Also Like

@KimmyMonte

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

@copymama

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

@imteddybless

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

@Lisabug74

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@titanmoon10

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

@TheBoydP

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…