God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Best spoiler warning ever
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.