God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
(Musicians.)
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.