God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald