I have a black belt in leather
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
Turtle: I have a house boat!
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priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Wine moms
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.