God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

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[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.


Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon


Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you


Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back


[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop


Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best


My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.


Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms


Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.