My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
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This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker