This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Oh. My. God.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money