God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I love the honesty
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you