God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars