@Browtweaten

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@BoogTweets

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@UnFitz

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

@RealSugarFree

In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

@IBroughtTheComb

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

@Cpin42

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky