Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky