God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.