God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You Might Also Like
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach