DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
never compromise your values
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.