@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

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@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada

@om_eye_goodness

last year, i went on a date with a dude and when i told him i was reading Animal Farm again, he laughed obnoxiously for an entire minute and said i was too old to be reading children’s books.

i think about that a lot.

…i wonder if he’s still an idiot.

@alexlumaga

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

@BoogTweets

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

@FunnyTunes

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@Ygrene

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*