God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Spell check is for lasers.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.