God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that