I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*