God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.