God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Left at a local drug store…
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.