wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
God: you’re a cat.
God: you really love the humans.
Cat: yeah I do!
God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.
Cat: oh no! what should I do?
God: try giving them gifts.
Human: is-is that a dead bird?
Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!
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Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
If you’re still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.
donkey kong: i’m starting to think mom loved you more
king kong: what makes you say that
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.