@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cat.

Cat: yay!

God: you really love the humans.

Cat: yeah I do!

God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.

Cat: oh no! what should I do?

God: try giving them gifts.

[later]

Human: is-is that a dead bird?

Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!

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@generaldietz

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

@_Tempo11

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

@DebraMuffin

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

@Shower4Thought

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

@ben_rosen

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@nyquills

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.