ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped