Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
God: you’re a cat.
God: you really love the humans.
Cat: yeah I do!
God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.
Cat: oh no! what should I do?
God: try giving them gifts.
Human: is-is that a dead bird?
Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!
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100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.