The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
God: you’re a cow.
Cow: what do I eat?
God: you just can’t get enough grass.
Cow: like a lawnmower?
God: uh sure.
Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.
God: was that a cow pun?
Cow: yes did you like it : )
God: it was udderly adorable : )
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My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“I enjoy long walks…”
at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*