@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cow.

Cow: what do I eat?

God: you just can’t get enough grass.

Cow: like a lawnmower?

God: uh sure.

Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.

God: was that a cow pun?

Cow: yes did you like it : )

God:

Cow:

God: it was udderly adorable : )

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@Theropologist

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

@RickAaron

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@AlexErnst

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

@MelvinofYork

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

@Browtweaten

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

@Reverend_Scott

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

@lexizinger

at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

@badAzz_mom

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*