@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

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@Rollinintheseat

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

@not_delicate

*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest

@amydillon

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

@Faux_Ma

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

@TheBoydP

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

@RodLacroix

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@CheryeDavis

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*