God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

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wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party


me: it’s warm in here

wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know

me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged


Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?


brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles


brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.


me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise


wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying


dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor


Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”