God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
so weird how every mom was born today
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost