God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why