@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

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@paigellwanger97

i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

@stevevsninjas

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@TheRealPalMal

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

@SuburbanSleuth

Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.

I need a life.

@notacroc

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

@DanMentos

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep