God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.




God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

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i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G


*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel


I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.


Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.


Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.


cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil


Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.

I need a life.


Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti


lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now


[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep