God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.