Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
God: you have no bones.
God: and no brain.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
You Might Also Like
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.