@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

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@drinksmcgee

Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

@gurl_sour

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@Mikecanrant

melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog

@JustMeTurtle

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

@suecorvette

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

@tastefactory

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@prawn_meat

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.