God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Still my favourite meme.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.