@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

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@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@wumother

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@Dank_Pal

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@ThisOneSayz

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

@VeggieMonger

My mother said that I looked “cheap” with my bra showing underneath my clothes – so I took my bra off.

@darrinfb

I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.

So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@neiltyson

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”