help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”