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@thepunningman

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

@KattsDogma

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@Darlainky

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

@Mom_Overboard

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

@rebrafsim

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

@Rollinintheseat

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”