Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
lmfao come on