Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
You Might Also Like
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously