@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.

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@erconwell

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@KeetPotato

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

@scarebro

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

@RadWizzy

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

@beefman138

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

@thrillhicks

In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.