@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mummy.

Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?

God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.

Mummy: what does that mean?

God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.

Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.

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@juliussharpe

I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

@thenatewolf

“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”

*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

@GeauxSaints79

I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@thomas_violence

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@dafloydsta

Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.