I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.
God: you’re a mummy.
Mummy: omg I’m pregnant?!?
God: no you’re the walking dead wrapped in toilet paper.
Mummy: what does that mean?
God: mostly you walk around scaring people and cursing things.
Mummy: [nods] cause of the pregnancy hormones.
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”
*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
Wolf: d-do I have to?
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Siri, what’s depression?
Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.