Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Its true…
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*