I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The asteroid..
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“Huge”.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.