You Might Also Like


You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?


After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.


Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!


Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”


LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.


Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”


HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking


People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.