God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
They’re stuck in your pants?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*watches the world burn*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*