God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
starting a garage orchestra
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy